National Coming Out Day, My Story by Chrissy

Basically, I’ve come out several times. Rejection, denial, and safety were the reasons. You never really stop coming out. It’s a very vulnerable thing to do, but it can be so powerful. I really didn’t want to. I just wanted to run away, hide out, live as me, and never come back home. But was that was realistic? No. The first time I came out in 2017 was involuntary - I came out as bisexual (actually it started as a rumor in 2012 when I began spilling my “tea” to my classmates, but I finally came out as gay as freshman in high school in 2013…but that’s a story for another day lol). The second time (same year) was voluntary. I wrote a 4-page letter explaining “all of the things”, as the Queens say, and boy - did that day suck. It legit felt like a funeral. Like I had died. A huge part of me did though. But what can you do about really?

I carried that rejection with me to college, new jobs, my relationships, friendships, even my own space! The third time I came out as trans was in 2018 and I began my gender affirming therapy at CHOICES in Memphis. The fourth time was in 2019 when I moved back to Yazoo City, MS after beginning to  “harmonize” and was super afraid to go home because I remembered the conversations from 2017, and the threats that halted me from beginning in the first place! But I said screw that (this is my body, my life) and searched for a new gender affirming doctor nearby. I just so happened to get an appointment at Open Arms. A few months later (still 2019) I shared a post on  Facebook that said “Do you accept me for being gay?” but I inserted *trans* to personalize the question, for me, and I got a lot of support from my hometown. I changed my name to Chrissy Gates and began showing up as myself (whenever I went out).

To be frank, this is a hard (but beautiful) journey. And, in all honesty, the most important person to come out to is yourself! You have to stand in your truth no matter what others see or believe. I had so much internalized self-hatred and I didn’t realize how detrimental it was for my self-esteem, until I began healing with my community. With them I’m seen, I’m heard, I’m understood, I’m “out” (out of the closet that is) and no longer have a reason to go back in. My strength comes from them! My inspiration has always came from them! I get my motivation from my community!

There’s a lot of pros and cons to coming out.

One of the biggest pros is the sense of freedom you feel when you no longer have to perform what society expects of you. Another one is that empowered and humble feeling you get from finally reclaiming your power and bodily autonomy. It’s the resistance that keeps you going. But it’s not all rainbows. Sometimes the cons try to outweigh the pros (emphasis on try).

Loss of employment, prolonged unemployment, discrimination, harassment, prevention from entering certain spaces - but what I’ve learned (and am still learning) is rejection is just redirection.

Look at it like this.

When you type in the destination you want to reach and you just so happen to miss the turn, the path you were supposed to take is no longer available so now you have to travel a new route. The destination is the same, it may be a few minutes longer, but the destination isn’t going anyway.

Patience is what has got me this far. Self-awareness. Perseverance. Coming out and standing in my transness every mile reminds me of the strength (I sometimes forget) that I have, every single day.

Some days are good, some days are not, but today is a reminder that it’s okay because I’m not alone in this journey.

- Chrissy (She/Her/Hers)