National Coming Out Day, October 11th
Our Stories
National Coming Out Day
My Story by Ace F.
My coming out was quite the event. It wasn’t a singular moment that was so impactful, but a collection of moments that shaped who I am as a person.
My first experience was when I came out to my parents as pansexual. I knew I was gay, but I had feelings for mostly men or masculine presenting individuals so I just said I was pan to make it easier on everyone else. I soon realized that this wasn’t right at around 2018 and I came out as genderfluid because I knew that something wasn’t right about femininity for me. My mother was very supportive. She would ask me and check in with me like I would ask her to and I seemed to always want to be referred to as masculine titles and pronouns. It seems like a click in my head in about late 2018 to early 2019. I came to realize that it wasn’t that I was genderfluid or pansexual, but my eternal feeling of masculinity that I’ve had ever since I could think was more than just a tomboyish feeling. I was a man. I was a boy. I was a gentlemen in disguise. I cried, laughed, got angry, wondered, questioned, doubted, felt guilt, every feeling you can think of. I came into acceptance that the longing feeling in my heart all along wasn’t to settle with the uneasy feeling of doubt everyday in my heart, but to be who I really am and have always felt like… a man. I felt it in my fingertips to every strand of my hair. I feel it every day. I breathe in the euphoria and the feeling that this is right. I exhale understanding and acceptance in my future and hope.My coming out to others or the world wasn’t my “coming out.” MY coming out was letting myself accept me for who I’ve always been, but haven’t been able to understand.
- Ace F. (He/Him/His)
Note: Ace and his parents have given us full permission to share his coming out story.
National Coming Out Day
My Story, by Chrissy
Basically, I’ve come out several times. Rejection, denial, and safety were the reasons. You never really stop coming out. It’s a very vulnerable thing to do, but it can be so powerful. I really didn’t want to. I just wanted to run away, hide out, live as me, and never come back home. But was that was realistic? No. The first time I came out in 2017 was involuntary - I came out as bisexual (actually it started as a rumor in 2012 when I began spilling my “tea” to my classmates, but I finally came out as gay as freshman in high school in 2013…but that’s a story for another day lol). The second time (same year) was voluntary. I wrote a 4-page letter explaining “all of the things”, as the Queens say, and boy - did that day suck. It legit felt like a funeral. Like I had died. A huge part of me did though. But what can you do about really?
I carried that rejection with me to college, new jobs, my relationships, friendships, even my own space! The third time I came out as trans was in 2018 and I began my gender affirming therapy at CHOICES in Memphis. The fourth time was in 2019 when I moved back to Yazoo City, MS after beginning to “harmonize” and was super afraid to go home because I remembered the conversations from 2017, and the threats that halted me from beginning in the first place! But I said screw that (this is my body, my life) and searched for a new gender affirming doctor nearby. I just so happened to get an appointment at Open Arms. A few months later (still 2019) I shared a post on Facebook that said “Do you accept me for being gay?” but I inserted *trans* to personalize the question, for me, and I got a lot of support from my hometown. I changed my name to Chrissy Gates and began showing up as myself (whenever I went out).
To be frank, this is a hard (but beautiful) journey. And, in all honesty, the most important person to come out to is yourself! You have to stand in your truth no matter what others see or believe. I had so much internalized self-hatred and I didn’t realize how detrimental it was for my self-esteem, until I began healing with my community. With them I’m seen, I’m heard, I’m understood, I’m “out” (out of the closet that is) and no longer have a reason to go back in. My strength comes from them! My inspiration has always came from them! I get my motivation from my community!
There’s a lot of pros and cons to coming out.
One of the biggest pros is the sense of freedom you feel when you no longer have to perform what society expects of you. Another one is that empowered and humble feeling you get from finally reclaiming your power and bodily autonomy. It’s the resistance that keeps you going. But it’s not all rainbows. Sometimes the cons try to outweigh the pros (emphasis on try).
Loss of employment, prolonged unemployment, discrimination, harassment, prevention from entering certain spaces - but what I’ve learned (and am still learning) is rejection is just redirection.
Look at it like this.
When you type in the destination you want to reach and you just so happen to miss the turn, the path you were supposed to take is no longer available so now you have to travel a new route. The destination is the same, it may be a few minutes longer, but the destination isn’t going anyway.
Patience is what has got me this far. Self-awareness. Perseverance. Coming out and standing in my transness every mile reminds me of the strength (I sometimes forget) that I have, every single day.
Some days are good, some days are not, but today is a reminder that it’s okay because I’m not alone in this journey.
- Chrissy (She/Her/Hers)
National Coming Out Day
My Story, by Allison
This past year or so has been such a wild ride for me. Let me see if I can hit the highlights for you. My name is Allison. Up until last year, no one but myself knew that I was trans. I had known, or at the very least suspected, that I was trans since I was a pre-teen. I grew up in a time & place where being out would be dangerous, so I kept it secret for over 30 years. I honestly thought that I would stay closeted for the rest of my life. I figured it was better for me to be miserable than for everyone to be miserable. However, I was becoming more and more angry and bitter.
It got to the point that my wife told me that I should see a therapist. I resisted for so long because I knew what would come up. I eventually did find a therapist and my predictions came true. She didn't push me in any direction, but the more we talked the more I knew I couldn't stay closeted forever. Then last year, right after my 12th wedding anniversary, my wife found some of my jewelry that I had in my car. I came out to her that night. She took it reasonably well, but it meant the end of our marriage. We faked things for the sake of the kids until after Christmas, for the sake of our kids. In January I came out to my kids and the rest of my family. The kids took things pretty well, though they were shocked. My daughters have been very supportive. My son is trying to wrap his head around things. The vast majority of my family disowned me. It hurt, but I was expecting that outcome. Also, in January, I started HRT and moved into my apartment. In June I came out at work and have been working as myself ever since. Everyone at work has been pretty good about things. I still get called the wrong name from time to time, but they almost always correct themselves immediately and apologize. The fact that they're trying means a lot. They even sent me to a conference a couple months ago.
As much as I have lost on this long journey that I'm just getting started on, I've gained so much, too. I've found a lot of new friends and communities through the Trans Program, PFLAG, & the church I go to. One of the biggest things is that I no longer hate the person in the mirror. I'm at peace with myself and I would like to think that I'm a nicer person to, all around, know. There are still some bad days where I get down and just breakdown and cry, especially around certain big events and holidays. It's also during these times that I take full stock of where I am now and the progress I have made.
I'm not yet where I want to be, but I'm not where I was. I also believe that living my life as myself and not the person that everyone else wanted me to be has been one of the best things for me to do.
- Allison (She/Her/Hers)
National Coming Out Day
My Story, by Ace W.
Hi my name is Ace and my pronouns are he/him/it. I started questioning my gender and exploring it when I was 18. I had just finished my first semester of college and I had a lot of family issues going on at the time. I had to get to a point where I could take care of myself. I had to figure out who I was so I could come back and properly take care of my responsibilities and myself. I got my first apartment and I figured out who I am. This is me.
- Ace W. (He/Him/It)
